How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
