hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
