I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
