her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
