I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
