Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
