Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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