i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
