I faked an abortion last night.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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