Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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