She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
