oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
