My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
