Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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