I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
