The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
