i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
