I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
