I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
