I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
