I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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