So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
