dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
