now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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