Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize