It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Less talking, more tequila
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I am one with the molecules
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
