Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
