taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Help. Why am I so naked?
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