new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize