I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
