I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize