Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
