I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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