dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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