I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
