He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
