my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
