sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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