Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This is not my ceiling
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
