I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
so much tequila, so little girl.
Randomize
