if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Someone signed my nipple.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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