You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
