I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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