If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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