did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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