: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
