Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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