i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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