I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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