I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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