i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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