Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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