He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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