girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
