I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
