apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
