ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize