You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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