I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
