I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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