It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
