Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
